Daz It, Daz All
A bold show from @SLAPtheNetwork where we discuss the unique and vibrant lives of women and non-binary artists, entrepreneurs, and thought leaders through testimony, laughter, and friendship.
Hosted by KC Carnage, touring singer, artist, (and Crochet designer), who believes that when we all stand with one another, anything is possible! You’ll hear real talk, done in a way you won’t get anywhere else.
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Daz It, Daz All
Stages of Relationships
What if the key to a fulfilling relationship lies in balancing autonomy with connection? This episode promises an engaging exploration into the intricate dance of love and personal growth. Breona Dewitt and Ellen Branch share heartfelt stories from their own lives—Breona’s transformation from five years of singledom to a committed relationship, and Ellen’s journey through a recent breakup. Through their experiences, we uncover the importance of daily commitment, mutual support, and celebrating personal victories, even in the face of heartache.
Host KC Carnage (@iamkccarnage), Breona Dewitt (@denasha.bre) and Ellen Branch (@simply_ellen_holistic)
Daz It Daz All is written by KC Carnage (@iamkccarnage) and Produced by KC Carnage and Rick Barrio Dill (@rickbarriodill). Associate producer Bri Coorey (@bri_beats), Audio and Video Engineering and Studio facilities provided by S.L.A.P. Studios LA (@SLAPStudiosLA) with distribution through our collective for social progress and cultural expression, SLAP the Network. (@SLAPtheNetwork.com)
If you have any ideas for a show you want to see or hear, email us at info@SLAPtheNetwork.com and as always, you can go to dazitdazall.com and sign up there to make sure you never miss a thing...
See you next show!
I think, at the end of the day, all of us, as far as men and women in general, all want the same things in some form or another. It's just how much of each person needs.
Speaker 2:We all want the same things.
Speaker 1:We all want somebody supportive, we all want somebody romantic, we all want somebody who's in our corner fighting for us. We all want someone who we can work together with, so I feel like it's all we all on the same team. No matter all these podcasts and all these snippets and all the stuff you see online. It's so divisive for men and women, especially black men and women, and it's just like it's not necessary. That's it, that's all. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's all, that's it, that's all.
Speaker 1:Black excellence at its finest. How that skin glows. She's a true diamond With the world right out back. She's still smiling, never left that crown till she stays thriving. That's it, that's all. That's it, that's all. Keep it real. That's it, that's all. That's it, that's all. Is that really it, though? What up, what up, what up? Welcome to. That's it, that's all, my friends, and it's not like the usual when I'm interviewing people, I like to really like dig into our lives and figure out what we've been going on and what's been going on with us and things like that, and today, I think the common thread or the common topic that's been popping up is that we're all in different stages of relationships, whether it's you know myself getting out of a relationship and navigating. You know situationships and maybe I do like it, maybe I don't. Whether you know Brie is moving in with her boyfriend soon. Ellen has gone through almost I'm going to call it divorce die, die.
Speaker 2:Die, kill her. She's going through a breakup and now she's navigating a new relationship.
Speaker 1:Navigating dating and all of that shit, yeah, and now she's navigating a new relationship Navigating dating and all of that shit. Yeah, a lot of those things kind of tie into, you know, growth and how we want to show up in these new situations. So let's just dive into it. What's been going on? Girls, we missed you.
Speaker 2:I missed y'all too. I know it's been a minute.
Speaker 1:As you came in last time I was like damn, she even asked me to do a. But you know, you know what life be, life in. It's okay I be in and out, but y'all know, you know you guys are like rotating Y'all, basically the other hosts. Where's my chick?
Speaker 2:Where's mine? That's another conversation for another day, but yeah, so let's just jump into it.
Speaker 1:Where are you guys at now? How y'all been. You got your new boo. You got a new boo. Um, let's get into it. How's that girl go ahead, brie, for me it's been. It's been mostly good. It's been an adjustment, because I have been single for five years five and a half years and I was enjoying that.
Speaker 2:Um, get blued out you know, single them it's a good place to be.
Speaker 1:You know me, so I was enjoying that, and you know me, I like to have my own space and my own like. But now, like dating a man who is dating with intention Me and you talked about this it's moving a lot faster than I'm used to because I'm dating people who want to stay in situations. Or like who don't really want nothing serious.
Speaker 2:Go with the flow. Go with the flow.
Speaker 1:Just want to see where life takes us, and I just realized now that I'm getting to a point where, like I don't want to date anybody who does everything with the flow. I need you to choose me every day and show up for me every day. That, um, and like I said, things move a little faster than I'm used to, but I'm enjoying the ride. I'm enjoying the journey. Um, some so definitely some learning curves and some bumps, but we get. We get through it.
Speaker 2:How about you other? Um, okay, first of all, I want to say rip to 2023. Everything that happened in it is out of my life. But Breakups Are hard because, like, physically breaking up with somebody is the easy part, right, so telling them you're not talking to them or leaving them physically Is the easy part, and I think the emotional part takes a little bit longer. And what they say about, like women say, when they decide they want to break up with you, they break up with you emotionally first, like for me it was the opposite, like I broke up physically and then my emotions like met me up at my current state where I am about that.
Speaker 1:That's actually, that's actually a good like, um, like what do I want to say? That's actually a good way of thinking about it, because that typically doesn't happen that way you do True, let me go back, let me take that back. Look like I do what.
Speaker 2:I do in the sauce be dripping. So we are, I do what I do and the sauce be dripping, so it is what it is. I'm not mad at you Because I know it. So we already know. We already know. We always said about Ella.
Speaker 1:She got the juice.
Speaker 2:Y'all know what it is.
Speaker 1:But sprinkle some of that on me.
Speaker 2:Sprinkle, sprinkle, yeah, because baby she got the juice. There you go. All of that that's for y'all. No, but really a big transition. And in that I was kind of like where you were as far as like I enjoy my space, like I'm doing good for myself, I've created a lifestyle that makes me feel peace and comfort at home, and then I'm still I want to be with somebody right, like that is the intention, the dating with intention, like I always knew that I wanted to get married.
Speaker 2:And every person that I've been with I've been like yo, like is this something you want to do? And they'll be like, oh, I don't know, male, female, don't matter. But being where I am now in life, like I'm be 33 this year, I want, I want what I want and it's time for me to make the necessary sacrifices for it. And if that means that you know certain aspects of my life have to, you know, be a little chill out, I Certain aspects of my life have to, you know, be a little chill out, I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. But I think the guy I'm dating now is cool. He's very different from the previous relationships I've been in.
Speaker 1:So I like him. He's very nice. I think that, like, generally for me, what ends up happening? I think my learning lessons as far as like, what ends up happening, I think my learning lessons as far as like, I realized that I'm way more focused and I get a lot more done when I'm not in relationships. And I think it's like you, ellen, like I, like I. You know I love to be the wife.
Speaker 1:Like I love to do all the things and take care of all the people and do the dinner parties and stuff like that, and I think I lose sight and what my purpose is. Sometimes, because I do get a little bit lazier, I find myself like waiting for you to get home and do all these things and I can't think a lot. So I have been kind of I do have a friend that, like you know, I'll hang out with or like go on little vacations or whatever, and I realized that maybe that's where I like to be, where I can have my own autonomy, because I do know that, like, maybe my purpose necessarily isn't the relationship, it's the relationship I have with many people, not many men in that sense, but like, maybe my form of relationship is the relationship I have with my friends, my family, my friend, you know, like and not getting like caught up and get caught up in it because I have noticed that anytime I've been in like a committed relationship, I've slowed down and I don't like that.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're choosing the wrong person. That's true, that's true. And the fact that, like we were just having this conversation maybe yeah, maybe a few hours ago. It's like we've been pushing ourselves for so long and at some point it feels good to have somebody who's like yo look, you ain't you can go do that, but that ain't gonna keep you from being able to live how you want to live, right, like I want you to follow your dreams, but I also like integrating that into the life you want. I think that that's the possibility over balance. No, absolutely. How was it?
Speaker 1:how has it been for you like navigate a new city um and I don't do anything in this new city. As of yet One, because I don't like the cold.
Speaker 2:It hasn't warmed up yet.
Speaker 1:I mean it'll get like 70 one day and it'll be raining for three days, but also too.
Speaker 1:I just think that everything happens for a reason. I feel like LA, I love LA, I can do whatever I want in this city. I can go anywhere I want in this city. I can go anywhere I want, get on any list, I want, be up wherever right. And I feel like, even with that, there was a lot of people pulling me in a lot of directions, whether it was relationships or just friends or people saying, oh you, good at this, you should try this, or you should do this, or this should look this way, or you should do whatever. And I feel like, even with the, it's really giving me a lot of time to sit with myself and, like I said, focus on my show, focus on my next moves, focus on my career and focus on, like you know, the relationship I do want you know because, like, like y'all, like I also kind of was that person that was like let's see where it goes, like I can't even blame it.
Speaker 2:I could even blame it on them. We've all done it too Like let's go with the flow. When you meet somebody who doesn't deserve, go with the flow, right, and you be like you know what. But I haven't quite identified that because I have.
Speaker 1:I've been like kind of a in my relationships too, like you know what I mean. Like just like I've gotten into some good ones and don't get me wrong like I think that the men that I have been, whatever reason why it didn't work, I don't think that they disrespected me, I don't think that they weren't good to me. I don't think that was the issues. I think that my issue is that, like I am a bold, big personality, I do like things the way I want them. I am very particular, so it, I think, more so, it was me trying. Well, what I have to do, I think, is try to find the compromise and the balance of still being me and being in this relationship, and I don't think I quite figured that out yet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's a hard thing for a lot of people, like not losing themselves in the relationship, and I think it takes you being with someone who doesn't want to change you right because they, at some level y'all both done some work to where y'all could come into the relationship and not be out here like doing no crazy shit because they say that look because you know I'll be on stages, I'll be around, and they'll be like oh, you did so good, oh you this, oh, I want this, and they get you and it's like they try to strip down oh well, you're out a little late, or?
Speaker 2:you know, okay, that's my lifestyle. Like yeah, you knew what it was when you got with me.
Speaker 1:Exactly, men, men, that's one thing about men that I feel like they're really bad at doing that. Um, you see how I was when you met me. You see what I was doing when you met me and then you tried to water me down.
Speaker 1:Once we're in a relationship, you can't do that yeah if me being a like, for example, you being a singer and being out late is something that bothers you, why would you talk to a singer who does late night shows like? Why would like you know you know her lifestyle? If you know that's gonna be a problem for you later, why are you wasting my time?
Speaker 1:or our time because you know they see a thing like they see. It's like one of those things especially I, Especially I don't know. I mean, I think this happens to any woman that has a really good aura about themselves. They see that people love them. They see they have good friends.
Speaker 2:They want a piece of that.
Speaker 1:They see that they have good family and they want a piece of it and once they get it and you allow that door to open.
Speaker 2:They fumble their bed.
Speaker 1:They fumble their bed because it's kind of like oh, I got you. Like you said something about the other day, about the and then the love bombing. That's the first thing the love bombing.
Speaker 2:And I don't even think they realize it, and I'm not using the terminology around like describing narcissists to say that this is how all men are, but I think that for the majority of guys who are physical, like love language people, when they first meet you, all they want to do is be on you, all they want to do is be saying how beautiful you are. All they want to do is be telling you all these beautiful things, but then, once they get you and you water down because they done told you about all these things that they don't like about you, then it's oh, you know, I'm not attracted to you anymore. Oh, I'm sorry, I cheated. Or oh, da da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da, kind of like. Feel each other out over being like I like you. I like you the best.
Speaker 1:Let's go out, let's do this, let's do that so, brie, you're about to move in with your man. Sweet, how was that transition like? What are you feeling about that? I'm feeling a little nervous because I know me and what I'm say. We get into an argument or a fight or whatever. I, at least now, for example, we are, we are in a fight. Right now, for example, I can go to my place, I can cool off, I can whatever In the moment I can't. There's no way for me to run. We're in the house together.
Speaker 2:Are you planning on getting a one?
Speaker 1:bedroom or two bedroom? Yeah, we're moving into his place because he has rent control.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it's a one bedroom.
Speaker 1:It's a one bedroom.
Speaker 1:So it's like girl girl, it's like when I'm mad, I need space, but he's the one that wants to keep talking right then. And there I'm like baby, I'm going to blow up on you if you just keep pounding it. Give me a second. So I don't know how that's going to work, but we do, like I said, our dynamic works. I take care of the home, I cook, we do all that kind of stuff. He's the cleaner, like he likes to keep the place like, so we balance each other out. It's like it's perfect. But, um, there's definitely like gonna be some growing pains with that.
Speaker 2:um, just pick like a safe word like when you get to the point where you can't hear nothing else, just be like I don't know. Yeah, I've been working on japanese cherry blossom and I've been working on my anger because you know, I go from zero to 100 in literally two seconds, so I've been working on that.
Speaker 1:When I feel myself building up.
Speaker 2:When's the last?
Speaker 1:time you lived with a partner? Um, my last relationship was six and a half years ago, ooh, so I've been by myself this whole time in my own apartment. So again it's going to be a— what?
Speaker 2:kind of hobbies do you have now that will help you if you do need to get away. That are like healthy.
Speaker 1:I've been in the gym consistently for the last year. That's definitely my thing. One thing that does work, though he works overnight, so I do have like the nights.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you can run above a bath and be in there by yourself.
Speaker 1:You mad at him, so I definitely have my time to decompress while he's gone, so that it does work, and then during the day he's asleep, okay?
Speaker 2:okay, I do have my. So, ellen, how is?
Speaker 1:it um navigating this new relationship like because you know we have our late night talks and you know I realize that I am socially awkward in the best way right?
Speaker 2:yes, because, because it's like I think it's because I grew up being like a tomboy and then a little bit of nerd, so it's like that's still like social awkwardness that I don't know the things that I haven't practiced, the things that women are supposed to do in relationships a lot, yeah, and that's something that I don't really feel bad about, but at the same time, I do, now that I'm trying to figure that shit out.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're trying to be a wife, you don't have to. No, no, no.
Speaker 2:See, I can be domesticated. That's one thing, Like keeping the house clean, cooking all that stuff.
Speaker 1:But in public around. So, for example no, no, because I'm going to tell my story girl. I'm going to tell my story, Tell your story. I wasn't going to tell your story. I'm like that's not what I'm talking about. No, I wasn't going to tell your story. I was going to tell you an example that we had spoke about, but not the story. But go ahead. Oh, okay.
Speaker 2:But no, I was just going to say basically that it's you type thing and like I've, always been like whatever like whatever you'll be fine, but then I realized that that builds like resentment, because most guys are physical so they want you to be on them or they want to be on you or they want you to like do different things, like making plates or freaking, giving you a cup of water that you drinking out of, like to me.
Speaker 2:That's so like cater to him, that's stuff that I would do as a wife and I think that I've in my mind I've drawn a line of like girlfriend, getting to know you, deciding if I like you and shit that I would do as a wife, and that's the part that I understand that's that is fair that's the part that makes me feel he does have to be able to see those wifely qualities in you, bare minimum qualities. I'm giving you a snippet.
Speaker 1:It's funny that you say that because, like we're talking about like you know, we always talk about making men earn us right. Yeah, why like so? So what is the correlation between saying that these are these are what I think I should do as a girlfriend? This is what I think I should do as a wife? If you want to see me do wifely things, what do you need to do? What's my expectation for you as a man to get me there? It's not just a ring.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm saying, that's what I'm wondering.
Speaker 1:I think for me I am who I am. I don't really differentiate what girlfriend duties and wifely duties, except for when it comes to maybe money or stuff like that or big decisions. But as far as catering to my man, that's just me. I don't know how to turn that off. If I'm cooking, I'm making your plate, I'm bringing your food out. I don't know how to turn that side of me off. It's just who I am. I had to realize that. It's like I just have to choose better men who appreciate.
Speaker 2:It's like I can't stop who I am.
Speaker 1:I can appreciate. It's like I can't stop who I am. I can't stop it is who it is who I am. I'm gonna keep doing it. So I just have to choose men that appreciate that in me and not take advantage of that. Yeah, we just gotta choose better partners and it's honestly, we ignore a lot of red flags with these, with men and in general, and it's like I've stopped doing that. You play my face once. Maybe you're gone yeah, no I feel you on that, like I definitely, especially major things.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't, let's just slide and I kind of agree.
Speaker 1:I agree with, I guess, both of what you guys are saying. I do the thing that there's a level of like you're courting me, you came to me, right, and I feel like as like, if we're, if we're talking about like domestication and just basically, like you know, gender roles per se, like you are the hunter, right, hunt me, you know. And when I mean hunt me, not hunt me like in a creepy way, but like show me that like a predator, you know like show me your interest in little things, and I don't mean just taking me to dinner in a movie.
Speaker 1:I'm talking like if you're, if you're really interested in me and we're having genuine conversations, you'll know little things that I like. Whether it's like you know, I used to go to the movies to watch black and white films on a Saturday. You know you would think that this person that is interested in you was like, hey, you know what, maybe I could take her to this black and white. She ain't been in a while.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I start to look for little things like that, over the grand gestures, because, like, I've been fortunate enough to be able to do and afford the things that I want to do. So I'm not quite don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm not going to block my blessings. There's a rich man out there that want me, come on, get me. But I typically look for those little things like are you paying attention? And that's what I fall in love with a lot of the times and maybe that's why I end up, because it's like it's that difference between a man that may not have much but you know they pay attention a little bit more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're thoughtful, they're thoughtful because that's what they have to offer. That's priceless, yeah, and that's priceless but, like for me, that's what I've been looking for and I feel like I think in a relationship dating.
Speaker 2:I realize I have to slow down and allow them to do, because I know that sometimes I jump the gun. That's what you said to me when we were talking that night. You was like just don't say nothing back If he say he want to do this, da, da, da, just don't say nothing back. And I'm like girl it's hard for me because I witnessed my mom not saying anything Like you know what I'm saying when she was married.
Speaker 1:But you were very headstrong, so I don't think that anybody will walk over you. You would not let that happen.
Speaker 2:Nah, yes, but you're the pick and choose about it. That's what I'm saying pick and choose, but I understand.
Speaker 1:You know. Now she's expressing it like just knowing you. I do understand, like if you didn't worry or you weren't really float like that in our friend group, like we call you daddy for a reason.
Speaker 2:I don't be making people's plates and shit, right, I be opening doors and pulling out luggage.
Speaker 1:So is it like a reprogramming you feeling that you feel like you are trying to do in your body, mind and spirit?
Speaker 2:no-transcript because I like get older, I'm like I don't care if you, I don't want you to do something like elaborate and like flamboyant. Yeah, because to me it's the day-to-day stuff, it's the stuff that eases my worry and nine times out of ten it's stuff that I don't want to do, like washing dishes, so like I love that about my partner like I'll cook.
Speaker 1:I'll cook, have the whole spread out, bring him his drinks, bring him, like you need anything else, baby, blah, blah, I'm good, babe, he'll eat, we'll eat together. He'll clear, he'll take up all the plates, put everything in the kitchen and that's a good man, right I? Love that. Yeah, I'm like thank you, like that kind of stuff I love because that's long, that's longevity, that's knowing that it's.
Speaker 2:Y'all are a team and y'all are gonna work. He can't boil water.
Speaker 1:But he'll do that like that's okay and that's, and that's a set I like I don't mind cooking, so I don't mind either so I'm like but he does that. He gets right up and go right in the kitchen and wash all the dishes. I don't have to ever have to ask, I don't have to have to like, he just automatically does it and I love that. Um, you know, even it was even when it was dinners at my house he would do it, yeah so I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's good. That's good and I think when you mentioned, you mentioned different things that you're looking for. I definitely am looking for consistency, because the whole that like I mentioned before, the love bombing thing, where it always happens early on, after about month three, that's when you start to see who the person really is well, it's funny that you say that, because I think I was talking.
Speaker 1:I think I was actually talking to Bree Bree back there, the other day.
Speaker 1:Producer Bree no, bree, bree, zaddy Bree producer Bree producer Bree yeah hey, producer Bree, I was talking to producer Bree and we were asking about you know things like kind of like in the same realm, and I was talking to Producer Bree and we were asking about you know things like kind of like in the same realm, and I was like even you know the guy that I'm kind of talking to, you know, like my friend and I'm keeping that term very loose like my friend is that one thing I haven't been able to do before is actually take things slow, like you know, like it's usually like you like somebody, y'all together for two weeks and then y'all together.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And then she's there every day, every day, every day there's been a beauty about me living there, him living here. We'll go on a little trip. I'll come here. We'll spend a day or two together. It allows. I don't think I can recall the last time I was able to miss my partner and I didn't realize how valuable that was y'all doing work to see each other right, and it's actually you know, like, okay, you want to come out here.
Speaker 1:I'm like, okay, cool, sometimes you can't even get a to come over that lives around the corner, and let alone like somebody holding an attention, you know, to holding your attention 3,000 miles away, you know. So I've never been in that kind of phase and I kind of like it here. So it's like moving forward. It's like I don't have to do go from zero to a hundred right away, because I am, you know, I am kind of traditional in a sense, where I do want you to court me and I gotta allow you to do that. I can't say second date, oh, let me make you a play. You want to stay the night?
Speaker 2:exactly, and that's why I'm moving how I'm moving. I'm intentionally moving slow too. I'm like, no, like you can't spend the night, and you have that right, because you just got out of a major relationship.
Speaker 1:So that's definitely you know. And then you being lonely, it's easy to just have someone in your space and just allow them into your space all the time because you want to fill that void immediately. But you have to heal first from those things and that's part of the reason why I feel like I've been single for six years. My that's part of the reason why I feel like I've been single for six years. My last relationship was really bad physically, emotionally abusive. So it took some time to undo a lot of that trauma. And I realized when I was dating there's certain things like oh shit, I got to work on that Because I shouldn't be getting this mad this fast.
Speaker 2:I shouldn't be getting. It was triggering. Still for you, I was triggered by almost everything. I was like, oh no, baby. I was triggered by almost everything. I was like, oh no, baby, you got to fix this. You still pop off. I still pop off a little bit, but I have definitely calmed down.
Speaker 1:And that's what I was saying. And I say that it's funny because we have our friends and stuff like that, and people make excuses for certain things, for certain reasons and it's not necessarily like well, she can always be like that. And sometimes I'm like you know, there's still things that are still triggering people that I think that it's also their responsibility to say you know what I didn't mean to get that mad but that kind of triggered me. I don't know why. I don't know where it came from.
Speaker 2:But like that takes a level of awareness A lot of people don't have because they haven't like done the internal work. So it's also like just giving them grace for where they are Period, just where they are period. Just this is where you are. I receive that, I'm here with you, so what is okay?
Speaker 1:so what? Okay, so we're just. We don't have a little like dream world. What is your like dream relationship? If you had a list of things that you want it to be and what it looks like, what does that look like we talking about?
Speaker 2:the person or the relationship in the dynamic.
Speaker 1:The whole thing, the whole.
Speaker 2:Thing who child. I need to think for a second.
Speaker 1:In my partner. I want someone who pushes me, who motivates me. I don't want to be complacent in life. I don't want to be complacent in our relationship. I want us to always challenge each other and make each other better. I love a romantic man. Romance you have to romance me. That's how you know, that's how you get to the soft spot of me.
Speaker 2:And you know what is romance, because I do have a question. I need to know, because this is the awkward part of me Like really, though, like for a woman, what is that supposed to be?
Speaker 1:like it's the little thing.
Speaker 2:Oh, you mean A woman, you being romantic. No, no, no, no. A guy being romantic to you. How would you know a guy's being romantic? I know that sounds like a stupid question. You know what?
Speaker 1:You don't know the little things, knowing the little things that you like, like, for example, the other day he came home with a chocolate bar Because they were on sale, so he brought me a couple of them. He's like I know this is your favorite candy and I brought it home and he'll bring, or he'll like, know that I like certain things and bring it home to me.
Speaker 2:Okay, because he said I like it.
Speaker 1:Okay. Or just even grand, just flowers taking me into nice things. Intimacy Okay, Even when we're like out together like you holding my hand or rubbing my leg.
Speaker 2:I don't like that it because you haven't had it and it makes you uncomfortable. My body likes it. I'd be turned on.
Speaker 1:So why are you fighting it?
Speaker 2:I don't think I'm fighting it. I think it's just a feeling of like we can go to this bathroom right now. That's the thing In my mind that's where I'd be at, but then in the moment I think it's just my anxiety. I talk myself off of the ledge of being a type of woman I love that.
Speaker 1:So wait, finish your statement.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. I'm going to circle back to that.
Speaker 1:Let me know that you're attracted to me, that you like me, that you know I love that kind of stuff, and as far as like me showing it back, I need a man who also likes affection as well because, I'm, I when I'm, when I really like you.
Speaker 1:You know, yeah, if I've ever dated you and you didn't get an affectionate side of me, I'm sorry to tell you I probably just didn't really like you like that and I was trying to like wait to see if feelings develop. But if I like you, yeah, you will know. Yeah, because I just want to do all the things. I want to be with you, I want to hang out with you, I want to take care of you, I want to do okay so what do you want to be in this relationship, in this dream land that you're in?
Speaker 1:how do you want to show up? I, you know I like, even though I could be a city girl sometimes. I am very domesticated, I am very. I love taking care of my, I love catering to my man, and you know me waking up every morning, making breakfast and dinner, and I want to live a soft life. I don't want work. To be honest, if I do work, it's it's the stuff that I want to do, the stuff that that fulfills me.
Speaker 1:I just don't want to be a nine-to-fiver just doing whatever. Um, I'd rather do something that's fulfilling for me and I would prefer to have a partner who pushes me to do those things, because I can sometimes get complacent and comfortable when I'm in either a job or a relationship or whatever that feels good. I'm not doing the things that will fill me in the long run.
Speaker 1:So you want to be able to show up and be fulfilled, like you said, like when you're in a relationship you feel so you want to be able to show up and be fulfilled, like you said, when you're in a relationship. You feel like you're not doing, you're not handling your boss. I feel the same way sometimes when I'm in a relationship.
Speaker 2:You give so much, you give so much.
Speaker 1:So I feel like I want a partner who, like, reminds me, like hey, did you do that, did you do this, did you get it done? And you receive it.
Speaker 2:And you receive it Because sometimes it's hard if you don't really like the person or you don't you know, if you feel a way. It's hard to receive that positive, like critique and feedback. In the moments it's positive like critique and feedback. In the moments it's like well, why are you telling me that? You know I've been trying to go to the gym, you know that type of thing. It's like, well, I'm just, you know, trying to show love let you remind you yeah, you have to.
Speaker 1:We have to sometimes realize that we can't be defensive. We have to realize that this person especially if you're choosing the right partner, this person loves me so they're not doing anything to well I mean that's across the board.
Speaker 1:Like I feel that too, like y'all know, I can be off the hook. Y'all know my delivery is not always the best, but what I do, what I can't appreciate about my friends, is that, like in all, whether we get mad or not, is that y'all know where it's coming from like you know what I mean and I feel like I.
Speaker 1:I feel like, as a person, how I want to show up just in any relationship, I won't even say like a romantic relationship. I pride myself on being a friend. That will give it to you straight. But, give it to you straight, in a way where I do want to provide maybe a suggestion of a solution. I want to know you, to know that I love you. I don't judge you, but sis like let's break this down.
Speaker 1:And also we'll sit with you however long you need me. Like I will stay up If I could be dead, assass tired when I open, if I feel like you still need me, I want to be there and show up in that way and that's how I like to show up in the world in general. Like I just feel like there's so much lack of understanding and lack of care and people brush you off and they're there for whatever motive. They want to be there for you and I've had that too. Like I know people want to be around me because of the things I'm attached to and the access that I have to certain things. But it's like I do appreciate the you know y'all and I appreciate my family and appreciate even.
Speaker 1:You know I've had some despite of. You know, whether we're together or not, I've had some good men in my life. Like you know, there's and it's usually never a breakup of you know they did something dirty to me or they did something low down, like I've. I've been fortunate to not have that kind of breakup. It's usually like I'm growing a little faster and you're not moving, or I actually physically moved or you had to physically move. I've met a lot of people um. I've met a lot of right people at the wrong time.
Speaker 2:That's been my story.
Speaker 1:And I'm trying to, and I also feel like that has a lot to do with me, like I'm also on the move as to why maybe I am meeting these people like you know, ships passing in the night and I think that was another reason why I wanted to move too.
Speaker 1:Like I think maybe I'm ready to lay some roots you know, somewhere and, you know, have a house and things like that, and there's a level of independency that I know my partner is going to have to understand that I have, because when I'm in the zone I won't be bothered. Y'all know my attitude when I don't want to be bothered. I don't want to be bothered. I'm snappy, I'm all that. But I feel like, when it comes down to it all the real core of me, in whatever relationship I am, I just want to show up in a positive way for you and I feel like I need that same in return. I need the encouragement, like you said. I need somebody to push me and also somebody to partner with me and collab with me. Can we? I look at that stuff like it's not enough for me anymore to, um, have a partner that's good at bit and good in bed or can whine and dime me like can we build some businesses? Can?
Speaker 1:we build some generational wealth like what you got going on. That is where I'm at right now and until I find that person that can sit down and we have a straight up business meeting and say, okay, what's going on, third quarter, what we got going on like. I don't think I'll be able to connect that way, because I know what I'm trying to achieve, and if my partner isn't trying to achieve and just want to be like in a way, like just like, oh, I'm here, I can't, I can't have that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think when you were mentioning that, it made me think of, like the goal of being married is different for different people, right? So like you're saying is a business move, like we need to be thinking about all of this stuff. And you're saying I want to cater to my man, I want to be there, to be a wife and, you know, be domestic in that way, and like yes to all of those things, but also, like for me, like I want little babies and I feel like that might be a reason why I'm so not to take away from either of you, but like I'm so, like no, there are certain things that I will give you access to as a girlfriend. So like no, there are certain things that I will give you access to as a girlfriend, parts of me, things that I'll do, things I won't do, but then, like when it comes to wife, like I am literally giving you my body.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, I don't want no cum snatches, so that's on my vision board, that ain't on my vision board. I'm teasing my vision board though, so hurry in. So yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's the thing, and that's where, like, I value the relationships and the ways that we are all different, but we're all here trying to do the same thing in a way. So that's. I think that might be the reason why I'm so like mm-mm.
Speaker 1:I think, at the end of the day, all of us pretty all of us, as far as men and women in general all want the same things in some form or another. It's just how much of each person needs we all want the same things.
Speaker 1:We all want somebody supportive, we all want somebody romantic, we all want somebody who's in our corner fighting for us. We all want someone who we can work together with. So I feel like it's all we all on the same team. No matter all these podcasts and all these snippets and all the stuff you see online. It's so divisive for men and women, especially black men and women, and it's just like it's not necessary, right and we are.
Speaker 2:We need each other we need each other and we need more black love we do need more black love women say they don't need no man you do, or a partner, a partner in general.
Speaker 1:You need a partner. Everybody like what they like.
Speaker 2:You know but I think it's. I think it's something beautiful about like, like seeing two people that genuinely like being around each other.
Speaker 1:I mean whether you are a spiritual person or a religious person. It is written in everything that individuals are not supposed to walk the path alone. We're supposed to be in a pair. That's why there's a yin and a yang, that's why there's light and day. There's always a duality in everything we do. Yeah, everything we do. If you think any important numbers, they're even numbers. When you add them up, they're even 11,. 11 equals four, like everything that is symbolic is an even number, because we supposed to have a duality, and I think that's where the brokenness comes, where people feel like I don't need, I don't need nobody, and the whole time you at home crying every night, and that's the traumas.
Speaker 2:Right, it's the trauma.
Speaker 1:We're so jaded. People have to realize that it's okay to have trauma, it's okay to have been hurt, it's okay to have gone through some things, but as an adult you have to make the decision to pick those pieces up and heal on your own. You may never get that apology. Never, you may never get that closure that you need. But you have to do the work for yourself, to heal yourself, or you will never find somebody and and when you do, you're gonna sabotage.
Speaker 1:You're gonna sabotage, you're gonna find somebody who's in the same same situation and y'all trauma bonding together and it's a mess and it's just like take your time. There's nothing wrong with taking your time. There's nothing wrong like. I know people who have been together for a long time and they were like this is my person and I do believe sometimes you just know. Yeah, but both of y'all gotta know it ain't gonna work if just one of y'all knows and stop falling in love with potential.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's another thing. Like we, everybody has potential. I need you fully potential.
Speaker 1:I was like everybody has potential, because what potential is is the image of them in your head that you've made up. You can do that for anybody. Everybody has potential. Look at what they're showing you, Look at what's in front of your face, and I always say this I'm like I had to learn. I mean, obviously I've gone through relationships where I ignore the hell of red flags. Oh yeah, Me too. I didn't even know where this man lived. But we at this point, yeah, Thank you.
Speaker 1:I let him up in my house and just chill in my house. I was like it's okay.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:I was like yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:So it's like I'm like we draw a lot of red flags. Who the hell in my bed?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who the hell in my bed? Child, please Shoot my little COVID situation. I know exactly where he lived. He got sick during COVID and I was worried about him. Couldn't figure out where his apartment was. I asked his neighbors like have you seen this? Because he had disappeared off the face of the earth. I didn't know if he was dead or not. Oh my goodness, I'm like I was crying girl. I was messed up. I was like where is he? Because he had diabetes too. So I'm like after it happened I was like that's a shame we've been talking for months.
Speaker 1:I should know exactly where you live and it's so crazy because even like we're talking about red flags now. I remember asking him hey, if anything happened to you, does anybody know to call me? He was like no, not really.
Speaker 2:And I was like but you've been in my house every day for the last couple months and don't nobody know to call me.
Speaker 1:So I was just like so you think that it's okay? Honestly, I think that moment is when I kind of like my feelings started kind of dwindling, but again being lonely. You know, showing up I mean he showed up in other ways that I liked. But like that made me think A digger's goo Climbing up walls when he was in her bed after he said he was leaving.
Speaker 2:That shit would piss me off. What you trying, okay, okay, why.
Speaker 1:Okay, go ahead. Funny story.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'll tell that story. You gotta tell that story, but go ahead. What was you gonna say LB? No, go ahead, you gotta tell that story. Okay, so the third one.
Speaker 1:That shit pissed me off. I just was like I just was moving, so I was in my feelings. Like I was just in my feelings. I really didn't want like, even though, like I felt, like most people, when somebody is leaving, you want to be around them a lot. I had the the reverse effect, because I feel like our conversations of him leaving was never about how we were going to stay together. What does our relationship look like now? It was just kind of like we'll see whatever. So I just kind of like started pulling away.
Speaker 1:So one night I decided to stay out. I wasn't doing anything. I was literally at my uncle's house. That's a true story. I wasn't out, doing anything. We were up drinking, having a good time, I was dancing, laughing, and he calls me. I was like I told him I said I'm not gonna be home. I said I'm not gonna be late and I forgot the thing. So like you should probably go home or I left the key or something about what.
Speaker 1:However, it happened, but he couldn't get in my house, which he usually is able to, and he called me back. He's like you're not going to come on. I was like no, I don't really feel like it, I just need. I just need some time, like I just need to think I don't want to be around you right now. I just whatever he's like, all right, I'm thinking, wow, I'll get back.
Speaker 1:No, and I told him I was staying the night at my uncle's house because that was the intention. I was staying the night because that's exactly what I was going to do, but like it got to be like four o'clock and I was already up or like woke up from a nap and I was like I kind of want to be in my own bed. So I drove home. It was like four o'clock in the morning and what's crazy about the whole thing is that I thought I left my key under the mat for my front door and I did go back in the house. So this is what my training thought was. So I was like, okay, the gate is the front gate is closed. So I know I can jump the front gate, but either my key is under the mat that's why I was like my key for my front door. So I jumped over the fence and the key you jumped over that fence, girl.
Speaker 2:Yes, I had to. I had to girl because I wasn't coming home. I feel it, but that's hard, yeah.
Speaker 1:I wasn't coming, girl. I've done it a couple times, yeah. So I jumped over the fence and I went to, went upstairs, went to go get my key and the key wasn't in the mat and because I was kind of like still kind of drunk or whatever I said, did I and I I was like maybe I put it on the little thing and lock myself out. But you know, I know how to get in my house. I just got to climb up, you know, drive my car, climb up the little fire escape and then my side doors are always open. So I do all that climb up the fire escape, I go park my car, get in because I had to get the clicker, because that's why I was going up there.
Speaker 1:I had to get the clicker to let my car in. Let it's in the bed. I'm like he looking at me like what you doing here. I'm looking at him like what you doing here. I thought didn't he come with the fire escape?
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:He didn't tell me that he got into my house, because the whole point why he couldn't get into my house is because the front gate Because I used to leave the key for him under the mat and either the front. I would leave the front gate open, but the front gate wasn't open and he said he didn't feel like jumping the fence today, so he's just going to go home. Okay, that's what happened, so I'm thinking he was at home.
Speaker 2:He jumped the gate. Okay, he never told me, and that's why my key wasn't under the mat, because he had it. You see it all coming together.
Speaker 1:Yes house, so I get there. I'm looking at him like what you doing here. He's looking at me like what you doing here and like he's, like it's four o'clock. He's like I thought you were gonna stay at your uncle's house. I said, well, why don't you tell me you got in my house? This is my apartment so like that was really weird, and I think that he was like trying to catch you.
Speaker 1:Bring somebody home, yeah but even still, like how do you come into my house, which was another red flag. He probably didn't never have a house to go to, and I think you really don't think.
Speaker 2:You really think he was homeless I've never been to his house.
Speaker 1:Well, his I feel like the I I believe the living situation that he said he had but he didn't want to live there because his son and his son's daughter, girlfriend, his son's girlfriend. They all in one bedroom house. He ain't nowhere for him to be.
Speaker 2:You know we're here to read so and then the only time I went by his house.
Speaker 1:the only time I went by his house was like we parked by his car because we switched cars or whatever. I had to take him to his car, but I never, ever went into his house. I only knew one friend. I was like, how do I know?
Speaker 2:A lot of red flags.
Speaker 1:It was a lot of red flags, but like there was also a lot of really good things about him too, that I kind of blended and was just kind of like whatever you know, he comes here every night. I know where he's at you know, what I mean and and I was just like, but I honestly don't know where you're at all day, because I only see you at night time and you know like when we do friend things, you would show up, which I really liked.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean like because for a long time you know like I would be the single one you know, so it was nice to have him around when we did our friend things. But like you do, really you, you really be overlooking some red fucking flags how many you like somebody, how many red flags before you be like?
Speaker 2:all right, the game is done now for me.
Speaker 1:I don't even, I don't let nothing slide like if it's big, like you, don't get a second chance for me for sure.
Speaker 2:um, what if it's like something you could talk through and then you're like I don't know, because it depends on what it is, you gotta explain it. If it's like something you could talk through and then you're like I don't know, it depends on what it is, you got to explain it.
Speaker 1:If it's a red flag, that, because some red flags aren't just red flags for me because it's triggering. It's just your personality, so it's just more, so like let me see what you meant by that and that can be clarified. But if it's a red flag, like that's the obvious red flag. I've been dating for six months and I ain't never been to your house and don't nobody know to call me if something happened to you.
Speaker 2:That's a big red flag. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Because there's no reason to explain that. Yeah, how you explain that away Like nobody know, I'm your girlfriend, I feel that yeah, you get hit you in the hospital somewhere. I'm supposed to just like and you being that worried about you.
Speaker 2:That's a red flag that you can't explain away. So what about if you're dating somebody and they don't call you for a day or two days, or a week or two weeks? How long could you go?
Speaker 1:What's a safe way? You got a day.
Speaker 2:Day two. I need an explanation. A week, I'm done. You got a good, solid eight hours. I can do a day, I can do a day, because to to me it's like if we talked on the phone when you went to sleep or we texted before you went to sleep, you said goodnight. By the time I get up and spend my 8 hours working. If I haven't heard from you now I'm thinking I'm in good explanation.
Speaker 1:I can give you 24 hours because anything can happen in 24 hours.
Speaker 2:That's generous.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you why you can be on the side of the road. Your phone died, you're dealing with stuff. You're just not thinking I can give you a date that roll into that second day. I need an explanation of what happened. A week go by we done, we done. Don't even call me.
Speaker 2:We done. Don't even call me, okay, just ask me for a free.
Speaker 1:I'll give you 24 hours because I've had a day like that Stuff.
Speaker 2:that's past.
Speaker 1:I can't talk to nobody. I can't, whatever I'm trying to deal. I've had that kind of day, so I understand a day.
Speaker 2:You get a day, that's it. You get a day, that's it.
Speaker 1:For me that's a day, but anyway, this was a good conversation. Y'all I got to pick y'all brains about. You know where y'all are at what y'all are seeking. Um, y'all y'all know that I do like to leave little notes and little messages to either your younger self or the people out in the world. Um, what would you say to somebody who is trying to navigate a new relationship, not necessarily with their partners, but with themselves as well? I would say write down everything. Write down the things you want out of life, out of partners, where you're non-negotiables. What are your negotiables and don't bend on them. Stand on business. Stand on business. Do not ignore red flags.
Speaker 1:It's just because you like somebody does not mean that they are the one for you. Do not ignore the red flags, please, and you know. And when we say that you know exactly what we're talking about, you've been in a situation where you know exactly what red flags. It's always different for each situation, but you know exactly what we're talking about.
Speaker 1:It's like, oh, I let it slide, I let it slide, I let it slide. And for me I had to swallow that. My abusive relationship is like I would have never even got hit or been in a situation like that if I had not ignored red flags in the beginning. I ignored so many things that would have never happened, so I had to swallow that pill. A lot of that was my fault.
Speaker 2:Well, it's not your fault. He decided to do what he did. But yeah, but. But I could have left long before it happened. I feel like hindsight is 2020.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I definitely don't know a lot.
Speaker 2:But you know again, you know you know a lot, we can control a lot. What?
Speaker 1:happens to us. Don't ignore the red flags. How about you?
Speaker 2:yeah, um, you said younger self or the people outside. Okay, um, just like it's okay to not know and like be exploring. You don't have to have like all the answers, you don't have to know who you're gonna be or what you're gonna do in every situation, um, and you might surprise yourself like um positive and negative. So, just you know, move with grace, cause this day, this day in life, ain't no joke, it ain't for the week.
Speaker 1:This one on this topic. This one would have to be from our younger selves, I think, because I've had a strange relationship with my dad, as far as like not being loved by the first man. Well, not feeling, I'm not going to say not, because I can't say that he didn't love me. That's his own feeling, but not being felt like I was loved by the first man that should have loved me.
Speaker 1:I think I allowed a lot to happen emotionally, just to feel that love and chasing that love, and I think what I would say to my younger self is that you're going to have so much love around you. Just be patient and don't sway from what you know you are and live in your queendom, because it'll happen for you when it's supposed to, and the journey is a part of the destination.
Speaker 2:It's not just getting there. It's like you got to take those steps and know that everything is going to fall into place. I agree.
Speaker 1:Well, thanks Brie. We always have Thanks Brie, thanks Ellen for coming on the show.
Speaker 2:You're welcome Anytime. We always have our girl talks.
Speaker 1:I love them here because you know they keep me grounded. But if you guys have any questions comments concerns if you want to dig into the conversation a little bit more, don't hesitate to like, subscribe, send a DM, whatever you need to do Comments. Comments. Whatever you need to do to get to us If you want to continue the conversation, we'll always be here. Thanks for joining us today, and that's it.
Speaker 2:That's all.
Speaker 1:That's it. That's all. That's it. That's all is written by me, casey Carnage, and produced by myself and Rick Barrio Dill. Associate producer Brie Corey. Audio and video engineering and studio facilities provided by Slap Studios LA, with distribution through our collective Slap the Network. If you have any ideas for a show you want to hear or see, please email us at info at slapthepowercom and, as always, go to dazitdassallcom and sign up there to make sure you will never miss a thing. See you next show.
