Triggers & Identifying the Right Relationships - Sometimes you need to empty the clip and play some Petty Tendergrass.

In this episode, the girls dive into the topic of triggers and how they can affect relationships. They share a recent incident where a friend continuously crossed boundaries, triggering past traumas. They explore why people often give others multiple chances and the need to recognize when it's time to let go. The hosts also discuss the concept of gaslighting and how it can lead to feelings of frustration and betrayal.

Host KC Carnage (@iamkccarnage), Nakieyta Davis (@jxnchuurik) and Breona Dewitt @denasha.bre

Chapters

• 1:36 Triggers can reveal toxic relationships.
• 6:09 Men and women's friendships are complicated.
• 10:05 Be clear about your needs.
• 14:11 Appreciate and accept good things.
• 19:09 Importance of effective communication.
• 25:37 Self-reflection and personal growth.
• 31:23 Healing trauma requires inner work.
• 36:04 Importance of open communication.

Transcript

00:00 SPEAKER_01 But sometimes you need to get your lip back. And you're tired of being the bigger person. It's okay to be petty sometimes.

00:06 SPEAKER_00 I'm tired of always being the bigger person.

00:08 SPEAKER_03 Well that's being open. That's a part of allowing to be open. I'm spraying your shit. And I'm tired.

00:14 SPEAKER_00 Petty pentagram. Petty too. Petty white. Bitch the clip is full and I'm about to empty that bitch.

00:22 SPEAKER_03 Click that. That's it. That's all. Black excellence at its finest. How that skin glows she's a true diamond. With the world out her back she's still smiling. Never let that crown sit she stays thriving. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's all. Is that really it though? What up? What up? What up? What up? Welcome to That's It. That's All. Where we share the unique and vibrant lives through testimony, laughter, and just plain old friendship. My name is Casey Carnage. And today we have on my left, Brianna DeWitt. Hello. How y'all doing? And then we have Nakietta. Nakietta. Whistle. So today, you know, before we get into it, I wanted to talk about, a lot of stuff happened with us this week through our friendships, right? And today, you know, usually we have like one of those topics around here talking and asking questions. But we just need to discuss it because I know here and y'all back home are going through the same kind of things. So what I want to talk about today is triggers and knowing if you found the right mate or a good mate and how to handle that. So before we get into it, I'll give you guys some backstory about what's going on. So the first part of this is that we had a friend this week who we felt like were continuously, continuously overstepping boundaries. And it triggered a lot of us based on the things that happen in our past lives, our past relationships, our past friendships. So I want to talk about that.

02:09 SPEAKER_02 What allows us to give people those many chances when they're clearly continuously doing the same shit, dumb shit over and over again? I honestly think it's just human nature to try to give people the benefit of the doubt. You want to see the best in everybody. And sometimes people are just shitty and you just have to accept that and move on. It's like you can't always change people when you want them changed. You always want to see the best, their potential. And sometimes people are not going to always meet said potential. You got to let it go. That kind of sucks. And it does hurt. Of course, it's going to hurt either way. It's going to hurt if you stay in the situation. It's going to hurt if you leave. But what's going to make you better at the end of it? Leaving. Mm hmm.

02:54 SPEAKER_03 So I know you talked about specifically, Bri, that you were super triggered by it. I was. Let's talk about that.

03:02 SPEAKER_02 What triggered you so much about what was going on? Well, I think it was because I had a past relationship where I was in an abusive relationship physically, mentally, emotionally. And every time I would address something that I had an issue with in that relationship, I was gaslighted. I was made to seem like I was crazy, that it was all in my head, that I'm tripping. When you're legitimately doing this directly to me and seeing the aftermath of it. So when we addressed the friend in question and for him to respond the way he did was crazy to me. It's like, bro, you did this. Why are you acting like you're the victim? I'm a nice guy and you're not going to treat me like this? No, you're a pervert and predator with manners. That's the difference.

03:49 SPEAKER_03 Well, I mean, Nikki got the text. So Nikki, what did you feel when you got that feedback back? I cackled.

03:56 SPEAKER_01 It was hilarious because you the gas. It was a gaslight all up all up and through all up and through like instead of just acknowledging what you're doing and it's coming back at you. You feel a way about it because you clearly can see you're this kind of person. And at this age, no, it's just certain things where common sense ain't so common. I can't. I can't.

04:26 SPEAKER_03 Well, also, too, you were talking about before that, like you had gave him a set of boundaries that he was not adhering to. And you bought that. You bought that up. I mean, I talked to Nikki about it because Nikki knew this person first. You know what I mean? Like this is somebody that was a close person to her in the beginning and kind of like leaked into the crew. And, you know, it's all was good. Good and well. Like what I want to know is like not that you take responsibility for that, Nikki, but did it did it. Did you feel any type of way? Like, hey, you know, this is somebody that I brought around.

04:57 SPEAKER_01 Like, did you feel any like his dumbass? I got nothing to do with me.

05:02 SPEAKER_03 OK, OK. I guess for me, like it was just more so like, you know, when you provide safety and parameters around your friends and you do bring in other people, like it's one of those things where like it's almost embarrassing. Like not saying that you like you feel no type of way because his actions definitely does not reflect your actions. But it's also like, you know, like it's like, damn, I mean, like, you know, I trusted you. I trust you. I'm also trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. And so is everybody else around you.

05:32 SPEAKER_01 I mean, everybody has their ways. So I also try to give grace with that because the pros overweight the cons. But the cons just started to get too heavy and you clearly just showed that you were going to do whatever you wanted to do anyway. That's what made me go, oh, so you're aware in a way and you're still choosing to consciously do what you're doing, regardless of what I said. Bet that was the straw for me beyond you literally trying to turn it around. Like, we're crazy and people don't have the right to feel what they felt or we're constantly talking to you about the same thing. We have many other men that we've been around and we're not talking to them about this, but you it's just you all the time. It's not any other all the time. Like, I'm sure men have thoughts in their head around our friend group as women. We all do about things, but they're not making people feel uncomfortable or feeling like they need to talk to every person in the group. While also it leads to me questioning, can men really be friends with women they're attracted to? Yeah, I would, man. Or are you really cool with them? If you had an opportunity, are you going to take it? If she's in a weak moment where let's say she's drunk or she's horny or she wants something, you're going to be like, nah, chill. I don't think this is what you really want. No, I feel like men are, even if they're not being aggressively weird or perverted, I feel like men are secretly waiting for their chance. She's going to slip up one day and she's going to give me some. I'm going to stick around. I'm patient. But we can still be cool in the meantime. Or do you really respect those boundaries of, nah, this isn't my friend, I'm not even going to cross that because it could ruin the friendship. It can change things. I don't know if men can actually really be friends with women that they're attracted to, seriously attracted to.

07:08 SPEAKER_03 Now, I guess my question on top of that would be, personally, in general, you can answer this anyway, but how are those triggers bleeding into your next relationships or your next friendships? Because also too, we also had a friendship issue a couple days ago that triggered me. And it was more so like I don't like, like the issue at hand was like someone's asking you, checking up on you, you know, like figuring out what's going on. And maybe you may not feel like we've checked up on you enough, but to ask for us to ask about it and you keep saying OK and then turn it back around and say we're judging you or, you know, you haven't checked on me. You haven't done enough, but you can't even give me an answer of what you want us to do and how we can help you. So for me, that was a trigger for me. And I went off like I went off in that text because my whole thing is this. I was like, we have adult relationships and there's nothing that I don't think that we would not not do for each other if we needed to be there for you. But at the same time, you have to hold a responsibility to say, hey, I need your help or you aren't doing this. Don't don't don't don't throw like don't throw mud in my face because you're going through something and you're projecting what's going on over there to over here because that's not that.

08:25 SPEAKER_01 And this ain't that we also could be possibly dealing with our own battles and we don't talk about. So just because we're not out really saying we have an issue, we could emotionally be unavailable to where we're trying to give you some. But we're also our cups are empty ourselves while even though we haven't said anything, you also have not checked in to say if we're OK because you're not OK. And we're accepting grace of that because you're not OK. So we know you can't see if we're OK. And sometimes we're not OK, even though we don't say we're not OK or ask for help. But I'm definitely not going to make it on you because I didn't say something if I kept it to myself or I'm struggling alone. I choose to struggle alone. Like, I'm not going to do that. Right. Right.

09:02 SPEAKER_02 I definitely had that issue this week as I felt like pouring a lot of my friends this week had problems and I was definitely been pouring into cups all week. You've been pouring into cups. That person all week and I was drained. I was like, bro, I have nothing left to give. And I had to say, like, I don't have the bandwidth for this today. I'm sorry. And I had to tell my other friends that I was like, I love you. I'll be here. I just need a couple of days because I've been every day with this. And like you were saying before, like, I think the one problem that women have is that we expect people to read our minds sometimes and have to check that. But look, they don't know, especially when dealing with men. Right. We like they're not like they. I mean, yes, there could be signs everywhere. But like you had to tell men directly and very matter of factly, because they don't miss the sign every time.

09:53 SPEAKER_01 They still miss the sign even when you tell them. They consciously choose to.

09:57 SPEAKER_02 But at least you can say, I told you, instead of like, you should have just known. Right. And that's the difference. And the same thing with our friend. Like, baby, we can't. You need to tell us what you need. Like, we want to be there. We know you're going through something.

10:10 SPEAKER_03 But every time we try to talk to you about solutions, you don't have no answer. And that's the thing, too, about the solutions. Like, OK, be mad one day. Yeah. Be mad the second day. Maybe two or three.

10:20 SPEAKER_01 We can't stay in this corner for too long. You know what I'm saying? After a while, I'm going to get up, pat your back, wipe your tears, eye boots. So strap your boots up. What are we going to do? What are we doing? I can't sit here with you too long.

10:27 SPEAKER_03 We got to do something. Every conversation is a thing. Every conversation is a thing. And it's like, OK, like, like I said, like, it's more so like, when are we going to find the solutions? Like, we got to put your big girl panties on and say, hey, I want this. What? Like any like any goal in life. And that is hard sometimes.

10:43 SPEAKER_01 It is hard to be strong, especially when you just have nothing left in you. You just feel like, fuck it.

10:47 SPEAKER_03 It's easier said than done. But when you're dealing with other people, you also have like in your hurt, you also have to be aware how you're affecting the people around you. And if every time you're around, it feels like your energy is low or you're complaining about the same thing that we talked to three weeks ago and you haven't done anything, nothing's changed. Or and or like, you know, like I mentioned to you before, if you don't want to do anything, say you don't want to do nothing. You can say that too. Like if you're saying, hey, I'm here right now, I just need you to be here. There's nothing that I need. I'm going to have to keep talking about this a couple of times. Yes, this is wrong. I know it's wrong. And we're just going to live in that for a while. That's OK, too. But say that don't come back with a pity party every two seconds or because because what also happens is I notice too, especially in big friend groups where you're not going to do anything. And I know that there are some friends that are in groups where you can talk about and somebody that you're talking to right now is clearly over it. So you're going to go now to the next person and put them to the side and talk about it. You know what I mean? And to that person is over it. And I was like, so now the whole group is now talking about you feel like you're by yourself. You feel like you're all yourself because guess what? We are going to say like, damn, this person's gonna still keep talking about this. Like we're talking about it that you're still talking about it. Know that. But that's the crazy part about it. About how they're feeling, especially dealing with their triggers. Like, like, for instance, I had. OK, so the guy that I'm dating right now, he had to get me together yesterday was just not a good day for us. And I got two separate stories on the same day. He he going to the triggers, right? It triggered him. But it also I realized that my reaction to it was from a past trigger. Like, so he had asked me he's getting ready to leave and he had asked me, hey, what kind of things do you like? And he was like, more so like and in my head, it switched over to like, I don't want to be materialistic. I don't want you here thinking you need to give me bags and shoes. So I spilled off inadvertently all the things I didn't like. I never told him what I liked. And he mentioned it and was just kind of like he was like, you do know that you still haven't told me what you like. It was like for you to just tell me all the things you don't like is just kind of like, why would somebody you know, like that? It gave off very negative energy when somebody's trying to give it to you. And I didn't even realize that that that what I was doing. So he mentioned something about that. And then I was like, I'm going to get he had texted me in the day and he was like, what are you doing today? And I was like, well, I want to get my nails done. I'm going to get my car washed or whatever. So maybe like an hour went by. He was like, check your cash out. And so my favorite, my favorite song, he said, check your cash out. And my response to him was you did not have to do that. But thank you. And in my mind, in my mind, and I'm going to break it down because I had to sit on this for a while. In my mind, it was more so I didn't ask you to do this, but he knows that. And that's what he said. So he came back and called me and barked on me. I would have to. He can't he called me and was like he was like, this is why good men can't do good things for women. He's like, you guys are so trained to do everything and give everything. When somebody tries to give you something back, you shun it. Or he was like, you didn't even make me feel good about doing something good for you. And I saying that I needed you to make me feel good. But like, think about that. Like, why is it that like when somebody tries to do something good for somebody, you get that reaction and just saying thank you because you deserve it. Like you deserve for somebody to take care of you, but you are operating as if you don't need that. You know what I'm saying? So I had to like he got me together. I was like, you know what? I like him. All right. I was like, I was like, you need it. I was like, I liked it. And I realized that like the trigger from that moment is me not being used to that and me doing everything. I do everything.

14:35 SPEAKER_01 But also when we say what we want and then we get it, I feel like for me, if I'm getting it, I wouldn't have rejected it. Like, oh my gosh, why am I getting this like imposter syndrome? Do you not feel like you deserved it? Because I'm like, as we speak and we said we want when we receive it, why are we pushing it away?

14:49 SPEAKER_03 Human nature. Like I would have saw that. Like I deserve that. Period. I needed that. Because I think because I honestly I feel like at least for me, what the trigger behind I know the trigger wasn't me saying that triggered him. But I know that my reaction to what he did was from a different trigger because I do know that like although we talk about it all the time, like I want a man that do this, I want a man that does this and whatever. But we are also operating in a reality where men aren't doing that for us. So we've built up this kind of wall of I can get it myself. I really don't need you to buy because I already got it. You know what I'm saying? Like even if I got to get a double of it, I can do it. And not even knowingly knowing that what we're doing is pushing this person to not want to do anything for us because they don't feel like you're going to appreciate it. Don't feel like you're needed because like just like women, you know, want to feel loved like men want to feel needed. They want that feeling. But like when you're when you are a person who has been getting hit over the head with the same thing, you don't even know. Although in my mind, I was saying, oh, babe, like you didn't have to do that. But thank you. That wasn't the reaction that he was looking for. You know what I'm saying? It was more of like you do deserve good things to happen to you. So you could have just said, like, what's the problem of like what happened that you can't just say, oh, thanks, babe. All right. Thank you for doing that. Like what is what I'm saying? Thank you. Now, right. And yes. And I was like, and I was like, when he said that to me, I was like, you know what? You're right. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're right. I shouldn't feel like I have to give up this. But you know what I mean? Because that's usually what you would do. We like, yeah, but you know, I'm saying in those situations. So I don't know. Like, it got me together and made me realize that, like, although, you know, good things, I do deserve good things, I do deserve someone, whether whoever that person will be now or later, that I should not feel like I need to push away good things. Like, I should know that I'm worth that. If somebody want to buy me a bag, I can just say thank you and nothing else. I don't have to give a script of why you didn't have to do this like beforehand. You know, so like that was one of my triggers that happened.

16:59 SPEAKER_01 I mean, it was early. I'm sure people know they got to give you money because trust me, we all want our money. Question to our heart. But that's why I'm like, definitely, if they did, they know they wanted to. They chose to. They thought about it. They made a decision. They pushed send. They wanted to do that.

17:13 SPEAKER_02 Right. So I guess my next question would be like, what signs are you looking for and what signs do you think you glaze over when you're looking for a good mate? At this point, I just want somebody to reciprocate the energy that I put into it. That's one of the first signs. Like, is this person pouring back into me what I'm pouring into them? Are they just excited to see me as I am them? And am I at minimum at this point? And then also, it shouldn't be hard. You know, like, of course, couples argue, people argue, they get bigger, whatever. But like, it shouldn't be hard. It just should just flow. And if it's not, it's probably being forced. And I'm like, I've learned to stop forcing relationships that don't work. And so me doing that, I finally started to get into a flow of meeting people who align with how I think, how I move, how I treat. And so that's been working for me. And yeah, I'm just going to see where I go. So you talked about the signs that you look for. What signs do you think that you know for a fact you glazed over? I ain't going to lie. Sometimes a good dick be making me skip some red flags. And that's how I ended up in that abusive situation. I, baby, I skipped a thousand red flags before he even got to the abusive part. I should have left long before it got to that point. And I just, but I was also very young then. But even now, sometimes I might skip over one or two flags because I'm like, what is sex is good? I'm like, you know what? I can find good sex. Like that's, that ain't that hard. So it's like, I rather, I choose other things now before I choose that. Because in the long run, it's like, I want good relationships. And I feel like every time I've led with other things versus sex, I've always come out better on the other side.

19:07 SPEAKER_01 I feel that. I feel that. What about you, Nip? Right now, primarily communication and listening. That's like a thing. Not just even just relationships, friends. I feel like there's always a miscommunication with people because we're not saying things. We do let a lot of shit roll off our back, which also I literally just said to another friend starting today. I'm, and it happened at your house. So if I have a problem, I'm going to say something. It's not really what you say. It's how you say it. If I need to wait because I'm a little irritated, I will wait before I say something. But I can't keep letting shit slide that I know doesn't make me feel comfortable or it didn't make me feel okay.

19:44 SPEAKER_03 I felt like that wasn't cool. So for me, it's communication. Okay. And so what's some, what were some signs that you know, you glazed over in a past situation or a past friendship? Communication. Literally just not talking, not communicating, not saying how we feel, not asking questions, not asking enough questions, not saying where people are. So yours is a dual situation. Mine is communication. I look for communication. Mine is communication.

20:09 SPEAKER_02 I glazed over communication. Mine is communication.

20:11 SPEAKER_01 I think that is a good one for Nikki because that is a good one. For me, it's primarily communication.

20:16 SPEAKER_02 Well, also too, like it's like, I don't know. For her, at one point she didn't like to talk.

20:20 SPEAKER_01 Because I don't communicate. Sometimes I don't ask questions or enough questions at all. And I'm learning I need to. I need to say something if I'm not okay, if I am okay. And then people can't perceive how I'm feeling or they're assuming something from me instead of just asking. But maybe they're afraid to ask me or don't know how I'm, you know what I mean? And vice versa. It's just for me, it's communication heavily.

20:39 SPEAKER_03 Now I feel you on that because as somebody who communicates and sometimes overly communicates. Yes. I think this is what I can say. I can say my triggering. Okay, so it's a dual thing. Okay, let me get my thoughts together on this. So I feel like because I am an over communicator, what triggers me is people that don't know how to communicate. So I give you that. But also for me is that I can't do nothing without all the facts. And what burns me up is people that argue on pieces of what happened. You know what I mean? I think I told Nikki all the time. I said one of the biggest things is that people be ready to argue, but you ain't even tell the whole story. You know what I mean? That's what be burning me up. So my triggering and sometimes I was like I don't get mad easily. I'm not a person that gets mad very easily. So when I speak, you know, you piss me off. Like if I have to speak in that tone, you already know. And I'm coming with the scroll of no, this happened. ABC because I don't forget nothing. Nothing passes me. And that's the thing where I feel like effective communication like you were talking about comes in is because people speak to speak and people don't speak to listen. You know what I mean? And then it's also to like they want to say, oh, let me speak and give me a whole hour of things. And I was like, no, you have to interject. Like tell me what you're talking about right now and let me rebuttal on that. Tell me what you're talking about and let me rebuttal on that. Because like if I waited the whole thing, I'm gonna forget what I had to say. And that's gonna make me mad. And they just start harping on things that don't matter. And then I forget what I was going to say. I don't even remember. And you get defensive because you boiling up inside and the next, you know, you exploit it. But I just I just feel like when it comes down to like signs or whatever, like Nikki said, like she's like starting from today, I feel like for me, my sign is that like because I'm like, I'm such a caretaker, like, and I don't get mad easily. I do let a lot of shit slide in a way that y'all may not think so. You know what I mean? Like because you're like, OK, you don't be doing this. You're like, whatever. But it's more so like I am going to see the best in people. I am going to be like, all right, let me get both sides of the situation. I am going to try to at least hear everybody out and then, you know, dictate like and then pull up because you do need the whole you need both sides to really get the whole thing. You know, you need both sides to really get a better understanding of what actually happened because, you know, it's like your side, your side, the truth.

23:01 SPEAKER_01 You know what I mean? But it's also like weird because it's like an accident can happen and three people can see the same accident and you'll have a different story for each three.

23:08 SPEAKER_03 And I'm like, how? Because somebody looking at the bird, somebody looking at the person in the car. And I'm sitting here like, what are you talking about? Like, what? That didn't happen.

23:16 SPEAKER_02 So you have to, you know what I mean? Pictures all look different.

23:19 SPEAKER_03 They all look different. They all look different. OK.

23:22 SPEAKER_02 So that's a question. I did.

23:24 SPEAKER_03 Would you would you think that you glazed over when you look for things that you. Oh, OK. Yeah. OK. So things I look for, I look for. I agree with Nikki communication. I look for safety. And when I mean safety, there's more so like, can I rely on you? Like, for real, for real, not like on some some scale, like when the shit hit the fan and we got to buckle up our straps because I already know what I'm going to do. Like, if my back against a wall, I'm a lion, I know that I'm going to find every way to figure out how to pull myself about the fire. If I look at my partner, which I've had not happen, where I'm looking at you like. The like, what you want to do, like, how are we doing this together? So I look for that things I've glazed over is basically not having someone see my actual worth and just wanting to be in a relationship. You know, like that makes you glaze over a lot of stuff to just wanting to have a person so bad that them not, you know, not them not doing this every day, knowing damn well is bothering the requirements. One of my requirements. But because I want to have somebody so bad, I'm going to just be like, oh, it's not that big deal. It's not. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah. And so like, it's like stuff like that. So yes, it's a general scope. It's nothing specific, but I know that like just having and wanting that because I know me, I live in a fair like I didn't come from a two parent home. I didn't. But I also had an example of what a real partnership looks like. So I've always earned for that. Like I want a family like I want to be married. I want to have a family. I want that black family. You know what I'm saying? So like with that one in need in my brain has been a story that has been played in my head over and over and over. I would and I say would because as of late, I have not and I've been proud of myself about that. I would like glaze over things like in the retrospect of things to getting what I want. Is that that big of a deal? And it always ended up being that big of a deal as to why you're not together. You know, it always ends up being so those will be those would be what I would say about. The things I look for and what I would glaze over. But let's you know, let's move on to the next question. OK, OK, so this one's always a big thing for me. Realizing that you have to change and compromise to who you want to be and what you want to become. That has always been an issue for me because when you especially, I guess, especially, I guess, as women that are used to doing so much stuff for yourself, like you may not have your parents to rely on, you may not have a partner to rely on, you get stuck in your ways. Like that is a real thing. So when someone comes good, comes along, it's kind of hard to adjust. It's like, I don't know, is it just me?

26:17 SPEAKER_02 I definitely had to do some self-reflecting over these last couple of years of me. I used to be quick to anger, try to work on that. And it was I know a lot of it had to do with like me not healing from certain things, but doing the work and having some accountability for your actions. And that's a hard one, especially for us to take accountability. And men don't say all the time, but I'm like, OK, you all got that one. I'm going to get you that one. And I'm going to get you that one. But that's it. We do have a hard time taking accountability, which I've started to do. Because I'm always right. I started doing that. I started doing that. OK, Bri, you were wrong in this situation. You definitely could have done this better. I did it just right. So I've definitely learned from past relationships, OK, Bri, you're not always right about everything. I'm always right. Especially with debates, like my number one thing was me not being able to take differences of opinion. You didn't agree with me. I was right. I was talking about it. Listen, I'm telling you, I've done so much self-reflecting. I promise you I have been working on it. I will debate you down, honey. Like you're good. By the end of this, I'll make you agree with me. And I was like, Brianna, you can't do that. Everybody has to agree with you. Like, you're not always right. Like there's more than one way to skin a cat. I learned that from my mom. I got that from my mama. I know for a fact. I had to change on that. And I hope you all have noticed. Yes, we have, Bri. You're doing good. The self work is working. The self is selfing. But yeah, I had to realize that and stop letting people get me to a place that is like, I think that's serious.

28:01 SPEAKER_03 Oh, baby, I was looking at you sometimes like, how you even letting them get to you like that? Right, right, right.

28:05 SPEAKER_02 And I realized it wasn't even for you. And you letting them out. I realized that it wasn't even necessarily them. It was you. It was me. And it wasn't even them, really. It was just me. Dealing with shit that I haven't dealt with. And I had to deal with it. Like projecting. We all, we feel the time we project.

28:24 SPEAKER_03 How about you, Niki? How do you, like, have you realized that there were certain things about, and it's not even like, this question really has nothing to do with like relationship. It's more so like, she said like the inner work. Like realizing that like to get better, you got to do better. And sometimes it's a hard.

28:44 SPEAKER_01 Nope. I'm right all the time. I do everything right. I'm perfect. I know this is joking. I know this is joking. I know this is changing, Niki. Like again, my, again, it goes back to communication. Communication for me is literally the title of my life. It's not, it's sometimes it's just about if, again, if you, if you need help, say you need help. I'm the type where I'll struggle by myself. I won't, if I have a problem, am I going to tell you, am I going to tell my friends? Cause y'all right, the way we be kiki'ing about each other, you ain't about to kiki about me at a NAHO in my shoes. I'm kiki'ing about y'all. No, you not. We still do it anyways. No, you don't. We're just going to talk about how you not talking.

29:20 SPEAKER_00 I'm going to kiki' about y'all, but y'all go kiki' about me. Okay, the kiki is still there.

29:22 SPEAKER_01 Depending on what has been said and done. No, I'm just the type to, if you need something, if you want something, if something's a problem, if something's good, I just won't, I just don't say nothing. I'm just, I'm just chilling. So I feel like, again, for me, it's communication. You definitely been saying what's up with that. And showing emotion, this emotional ass bitch. Yes, that's right. That is my communication indefinitely. Oh, oh yes.

29:46 SPEAKER_03 Nikki, a hundred percent. I remember we was at my house, it was the last, not this past family dinner, but the last one. And I said to Nikki, I said, I said, I said the most beautiful thing about you is when you soft, like when you're vulnerable. Like that is the part that I like the most. Like, yeah, Nikki, clack, clack, clack, clack, Nikki. It's cool. She cool. But it's like one of those things where it's like, I can actually see you when you in that light, because I think that's what, and I think we were on the phone one day. That's where you naturally want to settle. Right. I think me and Nikki was on the phone. I think our last conversation, we was talking about how when, when we were talking about relationships and what guys don't know they take from you. What you were saying in the conversation is like how they don't realize that like you may be doing some dirtball shit, but you're not realizing that you're literally hurting us. Because what we do naturally is we want to be soft. We want to take care of you, but you don't even know what you're taking away from us. And I think you mentioned something about like you were soft at one point, like you were very soft. Softer. Like softer, but you were soft at one point. And you was like, I know that who I was, you was like, I want that back. Like I want to have that back. But because of X, Y, and Z. And it comes down to security. Right. Making me feel secure.

30:52 SPEAKER_01 A lot of us are jaded. People don't make it because everybody's just trying to protect themselves. It's like we're, but it's also from what? We're just assuming it's a war and people are, in which they are. It's like, it's like we all want to be loved, but we don't give love. We all want to be cared about, but it's almost like we're afraid to because it's, we're always showed like why we shouldn't have in the first place.

31:14 SPEAKER_02 But I think it all comes down to if everybody works on themselves, then we can all be better. Because what people do is they get, they are hurt or affected by whatever traumas that they have. And then they surround their identity around that trauma. And then they don't know they're scared to heal because they don't know who they're going to be without said trauma. I guess trauma should not be our trauma body. That's not healthy. And I'm like, when I was in that abusive relationship, I'm like, when I first got out of that talk about it all the time, because I just felt like I needed to talk about it. But that doesn't define you and you don't need to let it define you. And I only bring it up now if the conversation is relevant to it. But he is no longer a forethought in my mind. He was for a long time. And I let it affect people that I was dating, my friendships and all of that. I closed everybody out. And it was like, no, you good. Like you that bitch without this trauma, you don't need this to be your part of your identity. It's not a part of your identity. So I moved to the back, but I wish a lot of people would start trying to heal that trauma instead of attacking. They get over it. They don't get through it. And it's like, you can't get over it.

32:30 SPEAKER_01 You have to get through it. Everything you feel, you need to feel all that cry. Do that. Do the work. Don't just get over it. You got to work. You got to get through it.

32:38 SPEAKER_03 Because then you can come up later.

32:40 SPEAKER_02 You can't push under the rug. That's going to rise.

32:43 SPEAKER_03 It's going to rise hard. It's going to rise hard. I guess for me, it's just like, I know I have. I can't even pretend that I know that I have created a life and a narrative that protects me and what I feel. Like I'm also like I'll show emotion, but like not really, if that makes sense. I'll definitely tell you I'm feeling this way or whatever. But like I was talking to my uncle one time. It was just like, I also feel like I'm very numb to things like things that should hurt me, like things that I should cry about. And I know that like there's somewhere in a pocket somewhere where I am sad, but I just won't. Something's going to bring it up. But how I handle that is that I work. Like you know what I mean? Like I'm working. If I'm working and I'm moving, I'm not thinking about it. You know what I'm saying? So like I can tell you, I know that's not as healthy either. And then also too, like I had to realize that like even in a relationship sense, I think that like I've had very good men in my life. Like I guess we've got our assholes. But if I had to really think about it, I've had some really good men in my life. And I do know that the reason why I deal with it, because I had to think about it from the beginning. Like I honestly cannot say that I know what healthy love looks like, or especially by a man. You know, like my female, I have no problem with my females. Like I'm in love with y'all. But it starts with my dad. Like you know what I mean? Like my dad's in and out. I don't know what it's like to be fully protected by a man. You know what I'm saying? And then I have my uncles who are great. Like I would say that's the closest thing. My Uncle Fletcher and my Uncle Ty, like them too, I know they got me. But they're not, I'm not, I don't come from them. You know what I'm saying? Like so if I, if, if, how can I trust that this man that's going to come into my life is going to hold me when the back of my mind, like you said, maybe I haven't worked through it. Maybe I got over it that like the man that had me, I don't feel protected by him. You know what I'm saying? So like you go through life feeling like maybe you're not worthy. Like if like, like when you said like, like people make fun of like, you know, people got daddy issues, like people laugh that out. But that's a serious thing. Like it's almost like even in people have mommy issues, like there are mothers out there. I can't even put it on all the dads. There are mothers out there that have these children and don't want to have nothing to do with them or don't want to like hear. Like they throw them away. Like people that that is a psychological thing that like will always, even if you get better, no matter how much therapy you go through, that's always going to stick with you because you came from that person. So if the person you came from doesn't want to deal with you or give you that kind of love, like how do you ever really trust that this stranger off the street don't have no, you know, motive, like don't have no, what's the word for it? Don't have like an ulterior motive.

35:29 SPEAKER_01 That's the only way I know it. Right. They've had me more than family. Is that what it's called? Family.

35:37 SPEAKER_03 They said family. Yeah. And so, and yeah, so like it's, it's, it's definitely like, you know, dealing with relationships. Like they go hand in hand and that's why I want to talk about that today. Like it's because like we do all seek to find that mate, that person that we know that's going to got like going to have us. But it's also like we have to start identifying the things that do trigger us. And like Nikki, like we brought up a lot today about the communication. Like we have to be an adult and we have to have those hard conversations.

36:08 SPEAKER_01 Yeah, because everything is primarily misunderstandings. Even the beef between the other friend is literally misunderstandings because you didn't say this, you didn't say this. But also, do you give people space to be open to talk to you? Yeah. Don't be able to say things that are. That's the thing too. Feel comfortable coming to you. Yeah. Like are you a comfortable person where people can talk to you? Or are you going to respond to defend instead of comprehend? Or you just refuse to ever be accountable? Like you can point out everything about everybody else. But if it's you, it's just, you just can't. Oh my God. Oh my God. The victim.

36:45 SPEAKER_03 No, sometimes it's you. Stop pointing the victim, y'all. Because here's the thing about being the victim. It's just like if that's your identity, that's what you want to live. There's other people. I'm the victim today. You're not always the victim today. You know what I mean? Like I have to, you have to leave space for people to be able to vent, be comfortable to talk to you. But if every time I talk to you. And another thing too that triggers me is the people that you go to them and you try to tell them or something and they always bring it back to themselves. Well, this happened to me too. And the next thing you know, the whole conversation is about them. And I'm coming to you to talk to you. So I ain't going to talk to you no more. It's playing this tit for tat game. It's playing this tit for tat game. Who got the most trauma? Like who got the most triggers? It's like, it's like nobody wants to do that. No one wants to do that. But okay guys, before we go. You know, y'all know I like to leave a message at the end of the day. And I want to make a toast. We're going to toast with water because it's daytime. Cheers with your Niagara water. We're going to send a toast to, you know, our younger selves and some of the viewers out there. I like to leave messages about, you know, some advice that I have for my life and their lives. So like, I want to know if you had to send a toast to your younger selves or the viewers.

37:53 SPEAKER_01 What would you say about moving forward in your traumas and finding that meet that you're looking for? I would say to my younger self that it will get better. Don't be afraid to take accountability and do the work and make sure that you're ready for the person one day coming to your life. Open up your throat chakra and say what the fuck you need to say.

38:17 SPEAKER_03 Because I let way too much slide and I'm still getting my lick back bitch. That's what I say. I would say that you can be open. Like being open is okay. You know what I mean? You can, you can work through things. But if you're open, that means you're going to be open to everything. You're going to be open to solutions. You're going to be open to love. You're going to be open to whatever comes your way. And I feel like if you stay open, no matter the hurt or the pain, you will get everything you're supposed to receive.

38:46 SPEAKER_01 But sometimes you need to get your lip back. And you try to be the bigger person. I mean, it's okay. It's okay to be petty sometimes. I'm tired of always being the bigger person. Well, that's being open. That's a part of allowing to be open.

38:56 SPEAKER_03 I will be spraying your shit. And I'm tired. I'm tired. She tired.

39:01 SPEAKER_00 She tired. Petty pentagram. Petty. Petty white. Bitch, the clip is full and I'm about to empty that bitch. Click that. Okay, y'all. They ain't hearing none of that. You can say all that.

39:12 SPEAKER_01 You can talk about all that. There's times and places, baby. You will get to smoke sometimes. I was going to get you out of there, but don't get it twisted.

39:16 SPEAKER_02 I'm tired. Okay, guys. I still got my other side. They still there. They still there. Okay, guys. That's our show. Please join us every week for a new episode of Petty White. I'm going to be doing a new episode of Petty White. I'm going to be doing a new episode of Petty White. I'm going to be doing a new episode of Petty White.

39:28 SPEAKER_03 That's it. That's all. We try to keep it as real as possible. And you know, if you feel like you relate to any of these topics that we talking about, please tag us, please like, please share, follow our Instagram, all the socials, Facebook, Twitter, whatever we got, follow it on that's it. That's all. Also, you can sign up for our website at www.that's it. That's all. And if you want to be a part of the early VIP, please do that. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's all. And if you want to be a part of the early VIP list for when anything happens and keep abrupt of all the events, all the things, new merch items, whatever you want to know, you can find us there. Again, my name is Casey Carnage and that's it. That's all. That's all. Period. Period. That's it. That's all is written by me, Casey Carnage and produced by myself and Rick Barrio-Dill. Our associate producer is Duff Ferguson. Our senior producer is Sabrina Seward. Associate producer, Bree Corrie. Audio and video engineering and studio facilities provided by Slap Studios LA with distribution through our collective for social progress and cultural expression, Slap the Network. If you have any ideas for a show you want to hear or see, please email us at info at slapthepower.com. And as always, go to that'sitthat'sall.com and sign up there to make sure you will never miss a thing. See you next show.